We Can't Imagine Why You're Here

(You must have never heard the show)


Sean Platt


Sean is like a dog, enthusiastic, and always wanting to play. Ideas are his squirrels, and he’s yet to see a one he won’t chase to the ends of the earth.

Sean’s also the show’s resident optimist. It’s said that he farts rainbows. He has a love of baths matched only by his love of fresh-cut flowers. No, we’re not making that up.

Sean once stopped talking and … yeah, OK, that never actually happened.

  • Enthusiasm 100%
  • Rainbows 90%
  • Ability to be quiet 4%

David Wright

The Grouch/ Cookie Monster

Dave “I Hate You All” Wright is the show’s resident cynic and conspiracy theorist. He’s not quite tin-foil hat (yet) but it’s a matter of time.

Dave’s phobias include germs, cashiers who lick their fingers, and most of humanity. He carries a decoy wallet, and if rumors are true, may have a decoy house and family.

He has an aversion to daylight and exercise, and his diet consists of roughly eight million cans of diet cola per day.

  • Cynicism 99%
  • Faith in Humanity 2%
  • Gothiness 87%

Johnny B. Truant

Count von Count

Johnny used to be what Dave calls “an evil marketing guy.” Now he’s a full-time fiction writer, merging art with commerce.

Johnny is constantly looking for ways to improve himself and his well-toned abs, which makes him the flip side of Dave, who believes that people don’t change, except for the worse.

Lately, though, Johnny and Dave are starting to share more things in common than either is comfortable admitting.

  • Self-confidence 99%
  • Abs 90%
  • Obedience 50%